Worshipping at the Altar of Family Secrets: The Clandestine Side of Loyalty

If you’re sitting there with no clue about what this title is referring to, then click out quickly, for this topic is neither for the chronic denialists nor the lily-livered. But for the rest of you — the ones with a front-row seat to your family’s dark, whispered, and buried ‘truths’ — pull up a chair. You already know exactly what I mean. Let’s just call it what it is: worshipping at the altar of family secrets.

In a family replete with a culture of secrecy, partial murmurs, half-truths, intentional misinformation, prized intel, covert overtones, avoided topics, and — contrarily — the promotion of socially acceptable public topics, secrets abound. We’re talking about families where secrets aren’t just slipped under the rug but baked into the underside of the carpet, which is now practically bursting at the seams from years of silence.

In this type of blood-relative system, secrets are the default mode. They are the financial currency that take you where you need to go within the insular group. Secrets aren’t just things you keep; they are a way of life, fiercely protected like an endangered species.

The generational hierarchy in this normalized familial deviance includes the self-imposed Holder of Secrets, the appointed Guardians of Secrets, and of course, the Worshippers of Secrets, who are rewarded for their blind obedience at the altar of family secrets. These key figures, including the occasional special guest, sit haughtily at the family table for a little seat of honor.

In this type of family system, you never quite know if you’re ‘in,’ but you’re always certain when you’re out. When you’re in, you’re deep in, and your complete submission is compulsory. There are benefits for committed members who remain faithfully silent: exclusive access to more dirty little secrets, nepotistic rewards, ‘freedom’ from family isolation, and — if you’re really lucky — you’ll inherit a non-negotiable advanced position within the covert ranks.

Anything short of blind loyalty, above reproach? Well, let’s just say you don’t want to end up the designated family scapegoat. Step out of line — even in your facial expressions or your energy — and guess what? You’re the new “problem” that everyone needs to fix. And fixing usually means collective silencing, concerted isolation, and actively disconnecting you from the larger family network.

While appearances are highly lauded over substance in this type of family, don’t think you’re going to fly under the radar by shirking the responsibility of choosing a side and pledging lifelong commitment. This is blood family. There are no pew-warmers in this obligate cult. You must pick a side. It’s a blood-bound covenant — an unspoken agreement — where everyone born into it pledges allegiance at the altar of family secrets.

It’s the ultimate quid pro quo: stay loyal, and you might get to keep your place at the ‘adult’ table. Break the silence? You’ll end up on the main course menu, served to the very members you rejected, with little hope of atonement.

Exactly what types of secrets are we talking about? Oh, the usual dysfunctions: deaths, incest, rape, physical abuse, eccentric oddities, perverse tastes, niche peculiarities, and a wide assortment of other freaky-deaky behaviors. You name it, they’ve probably hidden it. And here’s the kicker: the more secrets you know, the more you’ve proven your loyalty and become an asset, but the less they trust you. If a loyal member breaks ranks, the risk is immense. On the other hand, the fewer secrets you know, the more they trust you, minimizing the collective risk. It’s like a cult where ignorance isn’t just bliss — it’s mandatory.

How is this functional organism of secrecy maintained? The weapons of choice are triangulation and heavy doses of denial. Oh, and don’t forget the passive-aggressive phrases everyone throws around to keep this twisted game going. You’ve probably heard a few of these:

• “I’m not going to say anything.”
• “It’s none of my business.”
• “It’s not my place.”
• “I don’t want to get involved.”
• “I don’t want folks mad at me.”
• “I wouldn’t say anything for so-and-so’s own good.”
• “I’d leave it alone.”
• “Don’t tell anybody.”
• “You didn’t hear this from me.”
• “Nobody’s supposed to know about that…”
• “It ain’t mine to tell.”
• “If he/she wanted you to know, they would have told you.”
• “I don’t wanna speak for them.”

Translation? I know something you don’t, but I’m going to string you along just enough to keep you guessing. It’s all part of the game — breadcrumbing you one secret at a time and fostering the perpetual totem-pole of one-upmanship. You’re never supposed to know too much. Knowing too much makes you dangerous, and there’s no room for vulnerability in this setting.

Every now and then, there’s the occasional gesture like, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell everybody.” And by ‘everybody,’ they mean the select few most allegiant worshippers at the altar of secrets.

Why do they keep these secrets? Simple. It’s not really about the secrets — it’s about control. Having it, keeping it, flexing it, exerting it, maintaining it, getting more of it, and lording it over those below your hierarchical status. The secrets are just a tool, leverage. And if you’re on the outside looking in, good luck piecing together the puzzle they’ve purposefully made impossible to solve.

The truth is, this whole charade isn’t about “protecting” anyone’s self-interest. It’s about exerting power, keeping you on your toes, making sure you know you’re never truly free within this acrimonious wolfpack. You’re never emotionally safe in this space.

And if the self-imposed Holder of Secrets drops the ball by sharing a secret with the wrong person, guess who gets blamed for the leak? The designated family scapegoat, even if they’ve done nothing wrong. That’s right. There’s always a sacrificial scapegoat waiting in the wings, and if you’re that poor soul, brace yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been loyal for years; someone’s going to take the fall, and it will probably be the person least likely to fight back. The elders of the altar of secrets have that covered — navigating narratives, managing public optics, and orchestrating damage control.

So, if you’re tangled up in this web of family secrets in the name of loyalty, know this: the genuine freedom you’re seeking will never emerge from within the familial fifth column. If you’re suffocating under the weight of toxic family dynamics, it’s up to you to break the silence, opt-out, reclaim your power, and maybe, just maybe, extricate yourself from the spidery silk threads tethering you to the dark altar of family secrets.